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Transformers (fight 1 of 3)
“I asked Michael, ‘wouldn’t it be easier for NASA to train astronauts how to drill rather than training drillers to be astronauts?’ and he told me to shut the f*** up.” – Ben Affleck, Armageddon DVD...
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Transformers (fight 2 of 3)
Well it took about 5/6ths of a 2 hour+ movie, but Michael Bay was able to deliver some goods. pew pew 2) Optimus Prime vs Bonecrusher The Fighters: Optimus Prime (whose original Japanese name was the...
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Transformers (fight 3 of 3)
In which Michael Bay gives us the titanic struggle between hero and the villain. After he’s done showing us a Mountain Dew machine come to life, of course. 3) Optimus Prime vs Megatron The Fighters:...
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Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (fight 1 of 6)
I wrote over 3,000 words about Transformers last week, you guys. I’ve earned this. Tell me I didn’t. I dare you. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Remember how big of a deal this thing was? Over a decade...
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Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (fight 2 of 6)
Remember what I said about how for this movie, finding the bad guy is not a “major” plot objective? Well, this is what necessitates the qualifier. And it’s quite the bench-clearer. “Just three people...
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Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (fight 3 of 6)
A blessedly small-scale scrap after last time’s chaos. 3) Li Mu Bai vs Jen Yu (round two) The Fighters: Li Mu Bai, the legendary etc etc. Played by Chow Yun Freaking Fat. Armed with: his own Green...
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Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (fight 4 or 6)
In which pretty much everyone is in over their heads. Yep, you too. 4) Jen Yu vs Various Martial Artists The Fighters: Jen Yu, having ditched her cool black outfit in favor of a man’s clothes. Played...
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Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (fight 5 of 6)
Show-stopper. oh em gee 5) Yu Shu Lien vs Jen Yu (round two) The Fighters: Yu Shu Lien. Played by Michelle Yeoh. Armed with: a Dao (saber that can be split into two smaller blades), a spear, dual hook...
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Crouching Tiger (fight 6 of 6)
In which our protagonists do their best Cathy Rigby. Which is odd, because there’s not a lot of happy thoughts in this movie. 6) Li Mu Bai vs Jen Yu (round three) The Fighters: Li Mu Bai. Played by...
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Thor (fight 1 of 4)
It doth be hammertime. Verily. Thor is a wonderful but weird movie. Its structure is very unusual: it’s a “superhero” film where the superhero loses his powers in the first act and doesn’t regain them...
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Thor (fight 2 of 4)
In which the Mighty Thor fights the Conspicuously Unarmed Humans. 2) Thor vs SHIELD agents The Fighters: Thor, now depowered by his father Odin as punishment for his arrogance and exiled to Earth. The...
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Thor (fight 3 of 4)
In which a certain magic robot lives up to its name. “EX-TER-MI-NATE!” 3) Asgardians vs The Destroyer The Fighters: Thor, at first depowered but later not so much. Played by Chris Hemsworth. Armed...
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Thor (fight 4 of 4)
O brother, where art thou? 4) Thor vs Loki The Fighters: Thor, now fully re-powered and back home. Played by Chris Hemsworth. Armed with: Mjolnir Loki, now assuming the role of king of Asgard. Played...
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Super Metroid
A video game fight?! “What manner of poppycock is this?!” Bear with me. This is educational. The game is a masterpiece of the medium and very instructional as to how it can tell interactive, immersive...
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The Quiet Man
Going old school for this one. Respect. The Quiet Man! One of masterpiece-factory John Ford’s many great hits, and a labor of love for all involved. If you’re the kind of youngling whose idea of...
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The Matrix (fight 1 of 4)
This movie was kind of a big deal, yeah? I can see my house from here! Interesting to go back to it now, with 14 years full of discussion, dissection, influences, knock-offs, jokes and controversial...
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The Matrix (fight 2 of 4)
“I know kung fu.” Just so we get that line out of the way. What I wouldn’t give for that chair and a USB headport. 2) Neo vs Morpheus The Fighters: Neo, recently-inducted member of the human resistance...
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The Matrix (fight 3 of 4)
In which things go poorly for Bald Yoda. I do the same thing whenever I see a spider. 3) Morpheus vs Agent Smith The Fighters: Morpheus, a leader of the human resistance whose crazy Matrix skills have...
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The Matrix (fight 4 of 4)
think again buddy 4) Neo vs Agent Smith The Fighters: Neo, the prophesied savior of blah blah blah etc. Much less whiny and unsure than before– paradoxically, this is because, not in spite, of the...
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (fight 1 of 3)
This is not a “great” movie. It is, however, a movie that is far greater than it has any right to be. The Ninja Turtles were originally born quite literally out of a drunken late-night joke-doodle that...
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